I just read that Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm has declared this Saturday a meat-free day. I have three words for that: Ha. Ha. Ha.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s hard for anyone to argue she has done a superb job as Michigan’s executive officer, but I’m not in the army of Jenny-haters. In my view, one brand of politician isn’t noticably more reprehensible than the other.

But this is like vegetarianism in general: Dumb. My teen-aged children have known since they were small that our species developed opposable thumbs a few million years ago for the express purpose of grasping tools to stab animals that are made of meat. If we were meant to eat plants, we would have longer necks and extra stomachs. Instead we have larger brain cases, bipedal gait, eyes in the front and yes, opposable thumbs. In other words, we’re not here to graze.

So when this idiotic meat-out comes on Saturday, at least one bipedal hunter will open the freezer and grasp a piece of elk or deer meat, stand over it while it’s seasoned and grilled, tuck into it with tools and enjoy every savory bite.

Because he can.

So far, so good. Fisheries biologists from the Illinois Department of Natural Resources are several weeks into electrofishing surveys in the Chicago Area Waterways System, and according to department spokesman Chris McCloud they have not found any Asian carp.

That’s good news, but they aren’t finished. This week they surveyed the Calumet River, one of the areas of concern for folks who are worried that the ecosystem-devastating carp will eventually establish breeding populations in Lake Michigan and ultimately all the Great Lakes.

In an electrofishing survey, biologists and fish techies zap the water with a DC current that stuns all the fish below. The fish bob to the surface, where they’re counted, and within a few minutes most of them swim away unharmed. The technique is favored by biologists because if it’s in there, it’s coming up.

McCloud told me on Wednesday that the teams had found plenty of common carp but no bigheads or silvers. This week they surveyed two areas near the mouth of the Calumet River and a section of Lake Calumet.

The first Calumet River site, right near the mouth, produced a handful of panfish and several hundred juvenile yellow perch. At the second site, a but further upstream, they found banded killifish, yellow perch and one spottail shiner. The third site, in Lake Calumet, yielded 47 common carp, 18 bigmouth buffalo, a few panfish and some minnow types.

But no Asian carp.

It looks like no one is listening. That’s bad.

The subject is Asian carp. They’re the flying, ravenous ecosystem crushers that are knocking at the door of Lake Michigan.  They invaded the Mississippi River system back in the 1970s, and parts of that system, especially in Illinois, are virtually devoid of anything else. They’ve made their way into Chicago’s shipping canal and are just a fallible electric barrier away from Lake Michigan. If they make it through and establish themselves, they’ll take a serious bite out of Lake Michigan’s plankton, which are already in peril because of quagga mussels.

When the plankton become carp food, there’s no telling what will happen to Great Lakes fisheries. Lake Huron’s salmon population already collapsed because of a plankton shortage. Is Lake Michigan next? What about Lake Erie’s walleye? We’re talking big bucks from recreational and commercial fisheries from Minnesota to New York.

The good news is that there’s a pretty simple way to keep Asian carp out of Lake Michigan: Close the locks on the canal. The bad news is that the people who can do that — the Army Corps of Engineers and the Obama administration — don’t wanna. They say the loss of commerce would be too great a cost. That canal moves about two trainloads of stuff each day.

The administration is patting itself on the back for putting $78.5 million toward studying the problem, which sounds great. But most of that money was already earmarked for the Great Lakes Restoration Initiative, and furthermore what good is a study that’s taking place as the problem steadily gets worse? By the time that study concludes anything those carp could be doing laps around Mackinac Island.

That canal should not even exist. It was put there in the 1920s when Chicago residents got tired of watching their turds bobbing in Lake Michigan and decided to reverse the flow of the Chicago River and send their crap down the Mississippi River. I am not making this up. Now those two massive systems — the Great Lakes and the Mississippi River — are swapping spit like lovestruck teenagers. Zebra mussels go one way, Asian carp go the other. Goodness knows what other ecological disasters lurk.

Yet the Army Corps and the Obama folks don’t want to heed the cries rising from Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York and Ontario — all of which stand to lose their shirts if the carp get through. What are they afraid of? Fixing something?

Look, we get that it’s a bad economy and probably not the best time to change the way cargo moves through Chicago. But sorry. This is a much bigger, longer reaching problem than that. And pretty soon it’s going to be too late to fix.

And then we’ll spend the rest of our lives wishing we had. Close the locks already.

You’ve gotta love the Internet.

You open up your e-mail, and there sits a picture, sent by a friend or a friend of a friend, of a giant fish, a monster buck or some mythical creature.

Then come the details. Where, when, how. And that, of course, is how you  can tell they’re bogus. I got this picture today, Feb. 2, 2010. Here’s what the body of the e-mail said:

“Big Fish !!

“This Sturgeon was caught on the Black River at South Haven Michigan last
week.

“It weighed out at over 1,000 lbs and measured out at 11′1′. It was 56′
around the girth,
“And took over 6 and a half hours and 4 dozen beers for the 4 guys taking
turns reeling.”

Now, I know some hardy souls, folks who pooh-pooh the very notion of winter. But I can assure you that not even they would jump into Lake Michigan in short sleeves in January to show off a fish.

Because they can’t. It’s frozen.

Now, let’s assume that I’m being a little too niggling. Maybe the fish was caught last summer, that the e-mail went out a week later and is only now getting to my inbox. OK, fair enough.

But the e-mail claims the fish weighed 1,000 pounds. Uh oh. Problem. The type of sturgeon that lives in Lake Michigan is, fittingly enough, the lake sturgeon. They get big. Really big. But a thousand pounds? Half a ton? Hardly. According to the International Game Fish Association, the all-tackle world record lake sturgeon was a 168-pounder caught by Edward Paczkowski on the Georgian Bay in northern Lake Huron in 1982.

That’s a mighty big fish. And now we’re to believe that one SIX TIMES that size was caught in Lake Michigan, but no one heard about it until an e-mail circulated? Remember that in the summer of 2009, a world-record brown trout was taken from the Manistee River and made news everywhere from Newaygo to New Zealand. The angler who caught it, Tom Healy, was swamped with phone calls and interview requests from around the world. Yet a sturgeon that would have beaten the world record by 800 pounds wasn’t worth mentioning? And it was caught by “four guys”?

Ahem. You see my point. Now, let’s assume that it wasn’t a lake sturgeon but a white sturgeon, the really big kind that inhabit the Pacific coast. The world-record white sturgeon was 468 pounds, still less than half the size of our supposed Lake Michigan fish.

And we’re to assume that a saltwater white sturgeon grew to twice the world record size in fresh water more than 2,000 miles from home?

Yeah. And I’ve got a bridge for sale.

My guess is that the guys pictured were showing off a big shark, and some clever soul inserted a sturgeon in the picture via Photoshop.

And then told a real whopper.

The famed Au Sable River may have lost a dear friend in Rusty Gates, but his conservationist creed will live on thanks to his dedication and diligence, friends said.

“Luckily he taught a lot of people how to move on without him in his final months,” said Josh Greenberg, who manages the fly shop at Gates Au Sable Lodge. “He took care of the future that he wasn’t able to be here for.”

Calvin Hugh “Rusty” Gates, the owner of the Gates Au Sable Lodge and longtime president of the conservation group Anglers of the Au Sable, died on December 19, 2009 after a lengthy battle with lung cancer. He was 54.

His final months were spent with his family along his beloved Au Sable River, Greenberg said.

Gates Lodge is a place where thousands of anglers gather annually during fly fishing season from April through autumn. Mr. Gates and his wife Julie could be found there at all hours, tending to the smallest details of fly tying and gourmet cooking. With classical music playing in the background, the fly shop buzzed with patrons’ latest stories from the nearby woods and waters.

Greenberg met Gates when he entered the fly shop as a 15-year-old looking for fly-tying supplies. When Gates asked him if he tied, Greenberg hesitantly replied that he yes, he tried.

“I didn’t know who he was at the time, but I noticed that his words carried a lot of weight,” Greenberg said. “That’s the way he was. When he spoke he immediately had your attention.”

Mr. Gates watched as Greenberg tied a fly, then immediately gave the youth an order to tie 20 mor. Greenberg has worked for Gates Lodge as a fly shop employee, fishing guide and fly shop manager. He will continue in that role, he said.

Mr. Gates developed a number of fly patterns that became standards, and introduced scores of people to the world of fly-fishing. But it was his tireless defense of his beloved Au Sable River that changed the way many Michiganians see their natural resources.

In a legal case that would define his commitment to the Au Sable River, in 2003 Gates, as President of the Anglers of the Au Sable, challenged a U.S. Forest Service lease that would allow exploratory drilling for gas below the famed Mason Tract section of the South Branch of the Au Sable. With the odds stacked against them, the Anglers prevailed in their case against the Forest Service, forever altering how the business of gas and oil exploration would be conducted in the fragile areas of Michigan.

“Rusty was a true treasure,” said Rebecca Humphries, Director of the Michigan Department of Natural Resources. “He loved the Holy Waters of the Au Sable and shared that love with countless individuals. He taught us that it is our duty to respect the resource and to protect it. His love of the river lives on in all of us. I have been truly blessed to know Rusty.”

Mr. Gates’ father Cal Gates Sr. moved his family to Grayling in 1970 and along with his wife Mary purchased the lodge on the banks of the Au Sable River. Soon Rusty Gates’ passion for fly-fishing occupied most of his time. He began tying flies professionally at the age of 17, as well as guiding. At first Gates’ flies were sold in the corner of the restaurant at the lodge, but demand grew so much that the Gates family added a full-service fly-shop to the lodge. Eventually Rusty bought the lodge and operated it with Julie, who ran the restaurant.

In addition to Julie, Mr. Gates is survived by daughter Misty Wilson of Grayling, sons Paul Gates of East Lansing and Christopher (Stacie) Burden of Woodridge, Ill., mother Maricele Gates of Florida, brothers Jim and Tom Gates, sisters Gena Gates, Jody Hinkle and Janelle Gates; and five grandchildren.

Visitations will be held from 2-4 p.m. and 6-8 p.m. Tuesday, Dec. 22 at the Sorenson-Lockwood Funeral Home, 1106 W. North Down River Road, Grayling, MI 49738, and from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Wednesday, Dec. 23 at St. Mary’s Catholic Church, 708 Peninsular Avenue, Grayling.

The funeral will be held at 1 p.m. Dec. 23 with a luncheon to follow.

Memorial contributions can be made to the Anglers of the Au Sable, 403 Black Bear Drive, Grayling, MI 49738, or to Heartland Hospice, 417 W. Houghton Street E, West Branch, MI 48661.

It’s a messy job, but we all need to do it. When you take an animal’s life for the nourishment of yourself and your family, you have a responsibility to use as much of that animal as you possibly can. Waste is inexcusable.

I had the good fortune to spend a couple hours last week with Kenny Glenn, who processes deer for Dunbar Meats in Milan, Michigan. Kenny took the time to show me around dozens of freshly killed deer carcasses so I could see what hunters do right and do wrong when they field-dress a deer.

I was surprised at how much meat is lost by good, ethical hunters for the simple reason that they learned field dressing from someone who didn’t know better. That doesn’t make them bad people or even bad hunters. But it shows there’s plenty to learn for most of us.

I took along the video camera for this interview, and some of the footage is pretty graphic. But Kenny was eloquent and thorough in sharing a great deal of knowledge about how to save that venison.

Maybe you know everything there is about field dressing a deer, but it’s worth taking a look at the two-part video. I learned a few things from Kenny, and so has everyone else I’ve shown these videos.

Maybe you will, too. It’s worth checking out.

Oakley Flak Jacket in King's Desert Camo

Sunglass manufacturer Oakley recently teamed up with King’s Outdoor World to produce a line of camouflage sunglasses, and I have to admit the result is pretty impressive.

Oakley sent me a pair of Flak Jacket sunglasses in King’s Desert Camo. Like most Oakley glasses, they’re designed for active use and fit snugly even when I shake my head until I see stars. OK, I didn’t really do that but you get the picture. They aren’t going anywhere.

They did not sent me a polarized pair, so I can’t comment on their value for fishing. But the polycarbonate lenses are extremely clear and obviously high quality. This pair has that sort of rosish tint that intensifies colors, and I like that. They cut down on glare, but they’re not so dark as to impair vision when a few clouds roll in.

I didn’t want to comment on the durability of the glasses until I had kicked them around for at least a couple months, and I’ve done that. They seem to take a pretty good beating. They also come in a pretty heavy-duty zippered case, with a small carrying sack that doubles as a cleaning cloth. Those are both good doo-dads.

I couldn’t really find anything to complain about with these Oakleys, other than the camo pattern isn’t necessarily something you’d break out for dress wear. But maybe you would, and more power to you.

I expect these glasses to accompany me in the woods and at the shooting range for years to come.

Sometimes it really is better to be lucky than good, and Tom Healy proved that. Healy, fishing with guide Tim Roller of Ultimate Outfitters, was on the Manistee River Sept. 9 chasing salmon. That’s a solid month before Roller expects to see any lake-run browns in the river. And even when they’re in, browns can be spotty at best. And yet, one big tug and Healy was forever attached to a 40-pound, 7-ounce world-record brown trout.

Roller said he knew the fish was a beast when his scale bottomed out and there was still 16 inches of fish in the water. But even then he had no idea it was a world record. It’s just not something most folks think about. State records, maybe. World? Forget it. But the fish made the cut, and that set off a flurry of big fish for Michigan, and hopefully a jump in fishing-related tourism will follow. We can use it.

You can read the full story about Michigan’s big month at http://www.greatnorthernoutdoors.net/s-mifishrecords.html.

Not in Michigan, you haven’t.

There’s an e-mail circulating about a grocery store manager in Mesick, Michigan, who shot and killed a cougar that had attacked his dogs. With it are several pictures of the cat, the manager, and even a conservation officer.

The latter is how this proved to be phony. If you hunt or fish in Michigan, you know that green is a very prominent color in the uniform of a Michigan CO. Style comments aside, the pants they wear are green, the shirts dark gray. The caps are black, but the large print on the front is very green.

Look at this CO. See any green on his uniform? The black pants, light gray shirt and green-free cap give him away. He is not one of ours.

A Traverse City television station reports that officer is from New Mexico, and that the story is mostly true.

It just didn’t happen in Michigan.

I’ve never really understood the gap that sometimes exists between the hooks-and-bullets rednecks and the greenie tree-huggers.

I’m positive there are people who would consider me one or the other. I tend to think of myself as both. I love to hunt and fish, and I make no apologies about killing animals so I can eat them. We as a species are hard-wired to do that. Meat nourishes us. It’s why our ancestors invented weapons. It’s why they had opposable thumbs with which to grasp them.

But it’s important for us to take care of our planet. Acid rain is bad. Mercury emissions that land in lakes and contaminate fish are bad. Human decisions that compromise habitat are bad. Take your trash out of the woods. Reduce your carbon footprint. Recycle.

So let’s hear it for Minnesotans, who realized en masse that those two worldviews do not exclude each other. Thanks to a coalition of old-school outdoors folks and new-school environmentalists, Minnesotans last year voted to tax themselves — it’s a 0.375-percent sales tax — so they could protect wildlife habitat and keep their state clean.

They’ll keep huge forests undeveloped, restore critical wetlands and clean up lakes and rivers. Some people will enter the food web to hunt and fish there. Others will just observe.

And they can all take credit for doing the right thing.

Bravo.